3.05.2012

Shit is a Fertilizer: Growing Pains

Do you ever find that it is terribly difficult to take your own good advice? I reassure my friends again and again that it is better to try and fail than to not try at all...

And then the rug is yanked out from under you.

Everything falls to little steaming smithereens and suddenly big-mouthed-lion-heart is a wet kitten.

I feel that as a writer and an artist that it would be dishonest to focus solely on the glittery exciting parts of creation and ignore the ugliness of failures--big ones. It feels insincere to tout that a creative life is simply a wild rainbow river that carries you though the day:

There are icky times. Times when you hate everything and one more person assuring you that it's okay or that your efforts are just not that important makes you want to slap them with a brick.

Times when you doubt your worth.

Times when Growing Pains take on new meaning.

"Growth is scary because you're a seed in the dark
and you don't know which way is up--
and down might tak
e you down
further into a darker place." --Tom Waits


I won't bore you with the gory details so here's the gist: my studio and gallery space are gone, my band family broke up in the middle of making a record (within two days of each other) and I am struggling with my new professional life to the extent that it's causing health problems and serious relationship strain on all fronts of my life.

When it rains it fucking pours.

But seeds need rain.
Shit is a fertilizer.

Seeds also need winter sleep, time to incubate and stretch. Lots of interesting things happen in the dark. In the quiet. Seeds also manage to grow anywhere: in between jagged rocks, on the hot cracks of a sidewalk, in the back of a gloomy refrigerator...

We manage to grow in places with bullies and no natural light. In places with no nutrients, no where to climb, hellbent on bringing you down.

We're going to be alright.
Because after a cat nap and a good cry
our tendrils will sneak out of the bedrock,
grab a hold and sprout in some impossible spellbinding way.

Yeah, That's nature.
We're just that good.


4 comments:

Katy Daixon said...

God, that's so true, Molly. Thanks for sharing this. I totally relate, as I'm sure any creative soul would, about the fact that we always grow stronger and more creative after each plummit (as there are always more than one). So keep being awesome and create what you're feeling, and you'll rise up and conquer the world again. Be good to yourself. :)

Paula - Buenos Aires said...

Oh, darling! I don´t know what to say {gentle hug}
It must feel extremely confusing at this time being caught up in that situation. Take what is yours (your awesome talent, your wild spirit and your stuff) and keep going.

Shell said...

More than three years ago, one of my best friends died unexpectedly. His death left me with a broken heart. It was a truly dark time for me.

Now, three years later..my life has changed for the better. A big part of that came from losing my friend. Though his death ripped me up, it made me grow in ways I could never imagine.

Would I have liked to have gone through that without him dying, yes. That is the way my life went.

Thought all these painful things are happening all at one. You are hurting. From
This pain, unexpected gifts will come. With that, it will change you as a woman
And artist. That is what happened to me.

Sending you much love and understanding, Molly.

Suzie Ridler said...

Oh no!!! I had no idea, that all sucks and sucks. Totally sucks. That is so sad about the record, your space, your job. Being in a bad job is brutal on your health. I am convinced that is was ended up disabling me so please, take care of yourself. I didn't. I pushed myself too far and wouldn't give in to my body's needs.

You're right too, of course, about the darkness and art. That is through struggle that real artists are born. It just really... sucks to go through it.

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